I found out my girlfriend for almost 1.5 years has lied to me almost everything about her life. I was about to marry her. What should I do?

My answer to I found out my girlfriend for almost 1.5 years has lied to me almost everything about her life. I was …

Answer by Enna Morgan:

Alright, there are a trillion things here, so I am a little dizzy trying to stay focused, but I will do me darnest!

First, tell me, in all sincerity, what is truth? Truth is a whore. Friedrich Nietzsche it was that said truth must be a woman, and he refers here to it’s fickle nature.

Call me blind, but I am not quite seeing the problem about your girlfriend (yet!), because the information you have provided is all based on assumptions and contradictions (I will get to that in a minute), but what I do see are several other issues, one of which is REALLY HUGE!

Here is the BIG problem I see: ‘Somehow found access to her accounts…..’’

YOU DID WHAT!!??

Okay, let’s hold up right there!

Up until this point, the only legitimate issue that I could see was your ‘’suspicions’’…which are really all yours. Now, if they had any validity, then I think you lost your right to any claim by violating her privacy and trust.

Moving on…..

So then you found some things, which did not really answer your ‘suspicions’, but instead, only served to deepen the abyss of doubt. And to boot, you now got yourself all in a tizzy, and are, as you claim (and rightly so), heartbroken.

Okay, where do I begin? At this point, I would love to dive in and vivisect this whole going-to-the-club-meeting-my-femme-fatale-and-falling in-love-and-wanting-to-marry bit, but I will be good, and exercise restraint and stay focused.

So back to this issue, let me clarify the facts (you’ve presented) at this point:

YOUR ACTIONS

1.You violated this person’s privacy

2. You abused the trust by spying and digging (well, you called it ‘somehow found access’ (translation: I dug up some shit)) instead of asking

3. You made assumptions about what you found, and gave yourself a migraine (which totally could have been avoided by just asking).

4. Your assumptions are now creating a major problem (for you both) because you feel you cannot trust her, but it is clearly established from your actions, that she cannot trust you.

YOUR CONTRADICTIONS

5. You claimed she ‘lied,’ yet, you presented no substantial evidence; here is why:

  1. You stated that she has ‘fake IDs,’ so if they are fake, how do you know she ‘lied’ about her identification? In other words, how do you know who the real person is?

2. If her IDs are fake, how do you know her age, and if that is indeed her son?

So if you really do not know much about this person, and all your evidence is ‘fake,’ then how can you claim that she is a liar?

HER ACTIONS

Where is HER lie? Seems to me that she was consistently FAKE. Now there is nothing contradictory about that, is there?

Now from the story we have so far, note that much of the action is being performed by you, not her……but then of course, there is more to this story. But as it is in this scenario, again, call me blind, but I do not see her ‘lie.’

So is she indeed fake, or were you looking to find her out to be fake?

Your statement: I had some suspicions

Now did her ‘account’ information jump into your lap and scream LOOK AT ME!? Or did you decide to actively go on a witch hunt so as to justify those ‘suspicions?’

Okay, I get it, you were making up for the fact that you failed to do your homework before ‘falling in love’ (might I point out again that this is another one of your problems, not hers, and that now your shortcomings are being cathected onto her, to be paraded as her ‘deceit’ ). So, here is another spin on this whole thing, one which you (like many others) may not have considered :

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

In my life, I have held a few jobs (MI and legal work) that required me to have ‘fake identification’ and ‘pseudonyms.’ Therefore, due to the nature of these assignments, for the protection of my family, I never disclosed anything about my children, my relatives, or my personal information. Such disclosure would immediately endanger their lives, mine, and jeapordise others involved.

Suffice it to say that during this period, I lost many budding relationships and ‘friends,’ because I could not disclose personal details, and in fact, I was often accused of ‘having two lives (quite true, in fact, I had several),’ and on a few rare occasions, I was accused of being deceitful. All true, all true! But it all depends on your perspective.

If wanting to guarantee the safety of your life and that of those you love, is being deceitful, then that I will be. You betcha! Does that make me a fake person, or a liar? Again, it depends on your perspective. So before we haul off and send the wee (presummably innocent) damsel to the gallows, let’s consider that in today’s day and age, NOTHING really is as it appears, it is all just a subjective illusion. What makes it real is that we (you, your culture, and community) agree to ratify and reify it! Case in point, are all your FB ‘friends’ REALLY your friends? Oh, wait!…..that’s another (lengthy) post……focuuus!!

THE ESSENCE OF TRUTH

Truth is subjective, relative, conditional, and amorphous, and it will prostitute itself in a flash. How then do we define it? Moreover, how do we know when we have found it? Okay, you are stumped, good, we all are! Because if we are really going to insist on ‘truth,’ then I will say that in order that we maintain loyalty to ‘truth,’ then everything we do, must be reiterated daily, moment to moment.

THAT is truth!

And anything short of that, you are just kidding yourself…..and others.

EXAMPLE:

Yesterday, I loved you (subjective), today I love you less (relative), because you pissed me the fuck off (conditional). Tomorrow? I am not so sure , perhaps you will redeem yourself, or perhaps you may fuck up some more (amorphous).….who knows (coquetish).

Now THAT is ‘truth.’ Is it pretty? Nah! But it is ‘truth.’

On the love subject though, there are those who may argue that ‘love’ maintains through all…blah, blah, blah. Well, tell that to the statisticians who report 50% divorce rate for first time marriages, 67% for second timers, and a whopping 74% for the third time around (blows the whole ‘third time is a charm’ theory, doesn’t it!?). Ugly, ain’t it? But it is also ‘truth.’

ON BEING INCOGNITO

On this note, two other possibilities not to be discounted are: (1) there are many people who are in the witness protection program, and who, understandably, NEED to protect their identity.

(2) Then there is the case of the women (more than you can believe), who will change their identity, because somewhere in their past is a pathological ex-something, who is hot on their trail. Often their life depends on this secrecy.

I see you are now starting to get my drift. My point is this:

BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR OBJECTIVE

If you want something, go after it. If you just want to second guess yourself, then you will find all sorts of ‘evidence’ to feed your ‘doubts’ and ‘suspicions,’ (translation: insecurities) especially if you go snooping….woops, I mean looking.

If you are interested in the woman, take her out to dinner, have a sit-down, and ask her who she is. What a novel fucking concept! And try to pay attention (I am not sure what you were doing all this time you were dreaming away about tying the knot, yet, you failed to have such meaningful conversations).

Before we leave this subject about truth, and before you sit down to that dinner table (if she lets you), allow me to play Jiminy Cricket here, and present a gentle reminder of the facts so far:

Are you being truthful to her? Were you truthful by ‘somehow finding’ her information?

Your statement: She dsn’t know that I knw.

So does that make you an honest person? Only you can decide that. Not my call.

‘Hrtbkn.What to believe?’

My suggestion? Go apologise to the woman for breaching her privacy and trust, invite her to a nice dinner, ask her about herself, and try being genuine by making yourself vulnerable, let her know that you were considering marriage (of course, only if you were serious). And if she can get past the fact that you were all up in her cool-aid (surreptitiously), then you might even get to Home-stretch Avenue.

Now if she turns out to be Sybil, then at least there you have it – clarity (instead of wild conjectures!), and you can save yourself all this achy-breaky shit and move forward, one way or the other!