ELEVEN FUCKING AWESOME LIFE-ALTERING RESOLUTIONS THAT ARE AMAZINGLY EASY (BUT CONTAGIOUS)!

1. BEGIN EACH DAY WITH A SWIFT KICK IN THE ASS! Complete your most difficult task first! It gets it out of the way, it relieves the anxiety that you will carry the entire day, and you will be amazed at how confident you will be when addressing all the others tasks. Bonus: the rest of your day will be a breeze, so brew a full pot of coffee, pack the tic tacs, and head over to the office lounge!
It is no coincidence that this one is strategically placed as numero uno 🙂

2. FLASH YOUR 25,6 MORE!  Oops! Wrong audience, you are not snails! SMILE MORE! It is infectious, and others will smile back. Also, it draws people to you – ever tried cosying up to a sour puss? I would know about this, I grew up with an older sister, who, I admired (in childhood) and tried so hard to have a relationship with, but alas, it was like trying to get on first name basis with a cobra (I have been in a snake pit in India, even those snakes paid more respect and acknowledgement to me than my sister ever did).

Btw: Here is something to crack open at the dinner table: About that 25, 6, did you know that snails (which are typically no longer than 30cm, about 1/6th your size) has 25,600 teeth? So shame on you for gripeing about having to floss your 32 nightly!

3. USE YOUR FUCKING MANNERS! Say thank you more often. Remember those things your grandma taught you? She did, loads of them….but you are either thick, or you forgot them when she died. What the hell is wrong with you!?

And I do not only mean saying it in person, I mean also things you learn from others online. If you visit a site that brings you knowledge, or assistance, or even joy, remember to give at the very least a thumbs up. Many people use their time to be helpful, entertaining, and to pass on valuable information, the least you can do is acknowledge their effort. Can you imagine our current world without Google or Youtube!  Heavens forbid, we may have to read a whole book! I am asphyxiating just typing it!

Admittedly, I am also guilty of this one, but don’t worry, I am reeking my own reed!

4. STOP FAKING IT. You either care, or you don’t! Take a random person to lunch (regularly) – and I mean random. What you are actually saying to them is, I care about you more than just throwing you a few dollars. In today’s society of widespread indifference, that makes a HUGE difference to a person, any person, regardless of their stature in life. Because what they will register from this act, is: Gee, some (ostensibly busy) person took time out of their lives to listen to me! THAT SHIT IS STRATOSPHERIC!…..besides, you can use the companionship. Eating alone sucks!….yes, you are alone, don’t even lie (to repeat, stop pretending!)

5. EXPAND YOUR FUCKING MIND! Remove the words “I can’t” from your vocabulary. Substitute it with ”Let me have a look and get back to you on that.” This will vastly improve not only your knowledge (assuming that you really will look into it), but also your confidence (after realising and enhancing your abilities), and your popularity rating (careful not to make this your primary objective). Did I mention how immensely this expands your perspective?!

Just so we’re clear, and to ensure that you know what you are saying when you use this word, the real meaning of can’t is: not knowing how to do something; not caring to learn; unmotivated; untrainable; thick; not wanting to get off my ass; LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

6. SAY ”THANK YOU” (especially) WHEN YOU DID NOT GET YOUR WAY! In other words, GROW THE FUCK UP! Sincerely thank your boss (and everyone else who lit or lights a fire under your ass) for not giving you the promotion (or whatever else) – explain to them how much stronger it made you, and thank them for not providing you the easy road. No, you cannot take them to lunch to satisfy #4, it MUST be a random person, with whom you have no association.

7. BLOW YOUR MIND (regularly)! It is like a fresh drink of lemonade in the summertime – a little sweet, a little sour, but a hell of a lot refreshing and rejuvenating!

Randomly and regularly give your first class seat to someone in coach. No, you don’t select the person, just let the air hostess do it. Yes, that means that you get to sit in….don’t choke….coach! It is good for you. It gives you a different perspective, it enhances you as a person, and you may mess around and meet some very interesting people back there.

I used to travel first class (emphasis on ”used to”), I met mostly tight-ass, boring, uninteresing people, with straightened teeth, combed hair, polyester suits (couldn’t resist that one!) and name brand (made in India) luggage, who were bent on telling me about their accomplishments (totally not caring about the gross lack of give-a-shit in my eyes), and how important they are (in their own microcosm). Great! Now there is some shit I can sell on Ebay!…..for zero dollars.

Believe me, this act will take your ‘interest’ rating way off the meter; everyone will be wanting to chat with the person who would do something so unusual.

8. DANCE! Stay flexible and improve the functions in your heart, mind, body, and FEET! Dance at work, in the bedroom, in the street….anywhere! You may be amazed to see others dancing with you, or at least cheering you on (see, you are spreading joy!). Additionally, this will decrease your heart aliments, lower your blood pressure, and will also work in tandem with #s 1,2, and 7.

Caution:do not dance in the bathroom, I already tried; slipped and fell and cracked my head open…..I was little, it healed….some….maybe!? Not sure. Just don’t do it!

Fyi: Did you know that you have more than 7,000 nerve endings in your feet? Think of how many bodily functions you are improving with the simple act of dancing! Not to mention, word will get around, you will go from Nerd Savant to Rico (or Rita) Suave. What is it that Victor Grimmy Owusu (V.I.C doing the song Wobble) sings? ”A girl told me that a man that could dance might could possibly get down with the tool in his pants.”(1.37 in video)

Yeah, the women are all over that (wink!)!

9. LOSE YOUR FRIENDS! Literally. Take random hermitic time (emphasis on the word ‘random’); reflect, deliberate, meditate….procrastinate! Step away from your phone and email for 3 days every month – randomly, not planned. It has an amazing effect on your life, health, and perspective. Oh, there you go again using the ‘c‘ word! Carefully re-read # 5 (stop being deliberately thick).

Caution: you will lose some (fake) friends from this, but that will do you (a great deal of) good also.

10. REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE! Give your favourite scarf (no, not the ratty one, but the one you paid lots of money for, and maybe cannot replace. Yes, that red, silk, pashmina one. Oh, yeah! Now we’re getting somewhere) to a ‘street’ child. Believe me there is a significant impact on both you and that child. I know, I do it….often! Money is soon spent (on nothing) and forgotten, a scarf will keep her warm for a very long time, and it has the same effect as explained in #s 2, 3, 4, and 7……the ripple effect is phenomenal.

11. BE FUCKING GREAT, EVERYDAY! Resist the urge to choke the living shit out of those who really tick you off. Instead, look at them, smile sweetly and say, “You know, that really pissed me off (acknowledge your own feelings, instead of stiffling them), and I would really love to follow my gut reaction (letting them know that the shit was not cool, and putting them on guard that the next time it may be a TKO), but I read somewhere (thanks for the credit, see you’re already getting the hang of  this gratuitous thing) that it takes a great person to resist their primal urges rather than giving in to them, and you’re in luck today, because I have it on my agenda that I am going to be great!”

In fact, why stop at just great? Splurge, give yourself license to

BE FUCKING AWESOME, EVERY FUCKING DAY!

BTW: the swear-a-lot t-shirt is my new year gift to myself. I love it so much I bought 2 and then a few more for some well-deserving friends. I am still deciding if I want to frame it and mount it on my wall.
attribution for swear a lot image